Monday, December 28, 2015

Sonogram



Today I hit 20 weeks in this pregnancy. We smiled and held hands as we drove up to my midwife’s office. Our excitement must have been contagious because Baby A giggled and sung songs in the backseat about seeing a movie of the little baby in Mommy’s belly.

When they called my name he shouted, “Sara! That’s Mommy! Come on, Mommy, let’s go!”
As soon as the baby’s face was finally in view he said, “Look! Dat’s the little baby in Mommy’s belly!”

For the third time, my breath caught in my throat as I took it all in. The tiny heart beating, beating, beating on the screen in front of me. The profile that I instantly started to compare in my mind to the ultrasound profiles of A and B. The feet where they rested along my left side. The sweet little hands right in front of the face. That spine!

I’ve thought almost this entire pregnancy that I was having a girl but in that moment, I knew I was looking at my son. My heart was pounding and my eyes were watering, and then little A brought me back down to Earth by sighing loudly and saying “Different movie, Daddy.”

I wanted to be surprised again this time. I thought that moment was so amazing, that moment where a little person existed suddenly on the outside of me but I still wasn’t yet sure if it was a son or a daughter. All the anticipation and wonder blew up all at once when Ryan leaned over and told me we had a son. I really wanted a repeat experience this time around. Ryan, on the other hand, couldn’t imagine waiting to find out. He had that deep need to know that most people get.

The ultrasound technician thought it was neat that we were doing it differently. She said that most couples who have one surprise and one known gender almost always end up wanting to be surprised again for future babies.

She finished with all of her measurements and then she had me look away so Ryan could find out. I looked away from the screen and, unfortunately, at my husband’s face. I looked at his face and I thought, girl.

We moved into the check-up room and I let him know that something about his face made me think girl. He blushed and looked away with a smile while saying “I don’t know” and I pulled out my phone to text Steffani that I was almost positive this baby was a girl.

I liked this feeling. I felt pretty confident, but not 100% confident. There was still a chance this baby was a boy.

Then the midwife walked in and said, “Congratulations on the baby girl.”

My heart just sank. I was almost embarrassed by how sad it made me. Finding out in the ultrasound room, holding Ryan’s hand, would have been great. Waiting until that glorious moment of birth would have been great. Telling Ryan I couldn’t handle it anymore and letting him surprise me somehow would have been great. But this? This was about as anticlimactic an announcement as I could imagine. It had been a surprise for all of ten minutes.

The midwife felt terrible. She apologized profusely and even cried. Ryan felt awful and apologized for even finding out since he felt like it was hit fault. Really, it was just unfortunate. The tech said she wouldn’t put it in the chart so that couldn’t happen and then she forgot and put it in the chart.

At first I felt a lot of things. I was really disappointed and let down. I felt like that was a really big moment in the pregnancy or birth that I was kind of robbed of. I also felt a slight disconnect because of that strange moment of certainty over this child being a boy.

But then I just felt excitement. Another baby girl. I of course can’t help but to imagine the baby will have blonde hair like her siblings. Will it be white blonde like A’s? A little darker like B’s? Darker than both? Will she have my blue eyes or will one of our babies finally have Ryan’s green eyes? Will she be shy or outgoing, silly or serious, introverted or extroverted?

Maybe one or both of these little girls will be a tomboy… but since I don’t yet know that, I can’t stop imagining two little blondies in matching dresses as they play dolls, have a tea party, paint each other’s nails…


It’s almost comical how many emotions fill my heart on sonogram days. 

2 comments:

  1. Hey Sara! I'm just popping in because I've missed so much! Congratulations on the baby! How exciting! I have two nieces close in age and although one is still a baby, I look forward to seeing how their bond grows throughout the years. I hope you have a Happy New Year! You already seem to have a lot to look forward to! :)

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    1. Thank you Jessica! I am so behind too... seems like Instagram has taken over blogging in some ways!
      It is a little nerve-wracking when I think about the lack of sleep he he, but otherwise it really is exciting =]

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Thanks so much for your comments! I always read them, don't always have time to answer quickly. Sorry about that!