Thursday, August 3, 2017

Your sweet little face

The 3D ultrasound was new to me and I still can’t get over it. I walk by and look at it 20 times a day, each time stopping for a minute to stare closely at the image of your sweet little face.

I can’t help myself.

Look at you! You’re so adorable! Sometimes I look for similarities between you and your siblings and sometimes I just look and look and look at you.

It breaks my heart in the happiest way to think that you are it. You are the final Bell baby. Our family will be complete—that’s the happy part—but every single thing you do is going to be the last time I experience it as Mama.

Your positive pregnancy test was my last. Announcing your existence was the last time I’d ever do that. Yours was the last heartbeat I got to hear for the first time. Your kicks and tumbles are the last I’ll ever feel inside me. Your sweet little face is the last one I will gaze at when you’re laid upon my chest.

I try so hard to live in the present. Your brother and sisters are so precious to me and this family time we have together is always special, every day… but somebody is missing and now that I know it, it’s very hard not to daydream about the future and try to rush through to November.

I just wanna hold you, you know? I just wanna hold you and hear you and kiss your sweet little face.
I know not every day will be a bowl of cherries but at the same time, I imagine it pretty much will be. Even on our roughest days, one of you will do something that touches my heart and one of you will make me laugh. One of you will make me tear up when you do something you love and get that perfect look of joy on your sweet little face.  

I wonder if you’ll ever feel like you were just one of the four. You’re not. Gosh, I don’t even know you yet—if you’re outdoorsy or artsy or quiet or a social butterfly, if you’re funny or sensitive or athletic or even more of a bookworm than me—but I already love you and am so crazy excited to find out about you. Are you a boy or a girl? What do you like to do for fun? Do you prefer sunshine warming your face or cloudy skies and leaves crackling under your feet? Do you have any of your dad’s family’s painting or musical skills? Will you like to write? What kind of adventures will we have on our one-on-one dates someday?

I don’t know any of this yet, and yet I still love you with all of my heart. I just want to know you and hold you and kiss your sweet little face. 

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