Monday, September 11, 2017

About Me

When I was in high school, and even during the first half of my college days, MySpace still reigned supreme. I still think MySpace was wayyyyyy cooler than Facebook (the customizable privacy settings! The customizable page! The widgets!!) and I’ll never understand how Facebook took over… but that’s beside the point.

I updated my MySpace page often. I changed the background wallpaper, the profile picture, the music. I rearranged my Top 8. I updated my About Me section as if it were my job.

I look back on that version of me with a little bit of fondness. Maybe an eyeroll or two, but mostly fondness.

Man, I was so young! I know someday I will look back at this version of me and think the same thing, which is even more fun to think about.

But gosh, that me had it all figured out. I mean, I wasn’t totally sure exactly what I believed in or what I wanted to do with my life but I at least had the important stuff figured out.

About Me- Multi-colored french manicures. Music up, windows down. Dancing and running. Polka dots. Pink. Audrey Hepburn. Drama club.

That was the truth to me. It never occurred to me that those were just things I liked—and temporarily, at that!—instead of who I actually am.

Today I don’t wear any nail polish. It’s time consuming and expensive, and also nail polish contains a lot of icky chemicals and holds a ton of bacteria. Also, all those colors on my fingers and toes were tacky. 
Windows down? Occasionally, but mostly it just annoys me because I always have weird postpartum hair now and all the tiny weird wisps that don’t stay in a ponytail just whip around in the wind and tickle my face. Music up, definitely not. It’s usually too loud for music… and when it isn’t? Gosh, I just relish the extremely rare quiet.
I am not into dancing these days and I hate running now. I love a good aqua aerobics session though, or one of my favorite workout DVDs, or a nice long walk/hike.
Polka dots and pink are much too bold for me these days. I like gray and navy. A gray nursing tank top with a navy sweater, a navy nursing tank top with a gray sweater… my perfect outfit.
Audrey Hepburn is fine but I don’t really watch her movies at all anymore and I mostly draw my inspiration from the words of Christian writers instead.
Drama club. Gosh. I still love to watch a good performance, but now I can’t even imagine the grueling rehearsal schedules or the idea of standing up in front of all those people.

I know a lot more about me—not just the temporary, surface-level me—these days. My core beliefs, my main flaws and quirks, my fears and dreams, my inner strengths… but I like the temporary surface-level me too.

I know now how quickly it all can change.

In 2012 I was a Winnebago enthusiast and a trailer park resident. I was a traveler, a teacher, an explorer. I had a travel blog that was starting to really take off. I read mostly young adult fiction and I watched TV shows I don’t really want to admit to these days.

In 2014 I was a cold-weather beast, thriving in my element in Minnesota. I was pureeing my own baby food, sewing, reading every Christian motherhood manual I could get my hands on, wearing my baby on my back and walking up-and-down-and-up-and-down the indoor stairs of our apartment complex on the days I didn’t go to my SoulFit exercise class at church.

Today I am homeschooling my preschooler and dreaming big dreams for the way it’ll look in the future. I am staying home as much as I can, mostly just leaving the house for library trips and midwife appointments. I am stroller walks, bedtime stories, stretch marks, grapes cut up small. I am post-bedtime Scrabble games and moans and groans because there’s a person lodged in my ribs, a fiction paired with a nonfiction, daily writing. 

None of this is me, of course. In five years I will have no more preschoolers and no more stretch marks (ha). There is no telling what I’ll be in five years. A painter? A pianist? A volunteer librarian?
How about my children? My superhero fan will be into other things. Skateboarding? Soccer? Robotics? My baby doll-obsessed bookworm might be obsessed with the weird arts & crafts projects I was at that age, or she might still be in love with dolls and books. My babies, gosh. They could be into just about anything.

I look forward to meeting me, to meeting them. I look forward to someday looking back at this season and realizing with a smile that none of this me is even really me

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